Posts Tagged ‘ How-to ’

XXX

No, this is not the money shot from an awkward Starbucks-affiliated pornographic film.
No, the cup is not defective.
And no, this is not my drink.

This is the latest craze (and when I say craze, I mean a fucking epidemic) to hit my store and every other that offers “thai” or condensed milk. This is a combination of an iced tea, specifically passion tea in the photo, and thai drizzled on the inside or “walls” of the cup. Through the help of smart phones and instant internet access, this Frankenstein creation has infected the minds of the innocent and impressionable. Just look up #thaiwalls on your neighborhood media-sharing network and you’ll see what I mean.

Normally, thai is used with espresso, be it a latte, americano, what have you. This is Starbucks’ attempt at mimicking the beloved iced coffee served in pho restaurants across my state. I say state because ever-so conveniently, mine’s is the only one that offers this syrup; a gift and a curse, really.

I personally love thai. When used correctly, the heavenly notes of cream and sugar lightly prance over your taste buds, leaving you with a lingering buzz to last throughout the day. Incorrectly, it’s jizz in a cup: sticky and messy with a feeling of vast emptiness as you wonder why you succumbed to this bastard child of Starbucks’ debauchery.

I’m not against change. I’m not against freedom to sugar and calories. I’m not against anything the customer is willing to pay for.

What I’m against is carpal tunnel.

I really asked myself why I hate this customization so much. Yeah, it gets really annoying to fill up bottle after bottle of thai because it comes in a very inconvenient can that you literally need to scrape all the sauce out of. Sure it’s a waste of money to get thai smeared on the walls of the cup when it can simply be shaken in, giving the drink the entire full taste it duly deserves. But most of all, the actual act of squeezing a bottle to create thai “art” on the walls of a cup, a cup that will eventually be thrown away and never looked at again, puts a lot of unnecessary stress on the shoulder and wrist. This stress turns into a numbing pain night after night until you can barely lift your arm past your shoulder, let alone make a frappuccino.

I am barely getting through my quarter-life crisis (i.e. marriage, job security, wrinkles!)  No job, not even Starbucks, is worth damaging my nerves for the rest of my life.

So I resent thai walls. I resent any walls. It’s bad enough Howard Schultz’ ideas of hand-crafting every drink one by one and repeating the same motions over and over have activated pain in my joints that I only thought possible in retirement homes. Now I have you, the consumer, requesting senseless designs on a disposable cup that could’ve easily been added directly to your already diabetic beverage?

I say nay.

But alas, I can only speak for my arm and the many other arms who would rather fling syrup into your mouth than on a cup. That way, you can feel exactly as I do after a shift, much like an old washed-up adult film star…

…numb and sticky.

2012
10/09
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How to order.

1. Seriously, I’m not psychic.

THIS IS THE SIMPLEST AND MOST FUNDAMENTAL DETAIL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR DRINK: ICED OR HOT.
I can’t read your mind. No matter if the weather is hot or cool, I don’t assume you would automatically want an iced drink because it’s the middle of summer. So YOU should not assume I would know what YOU prefer.
Too many times have I been hit with this statement at the pick-up counter, “Oh I wanted it iced/hot…” Really? Then why didn’t you say so at the register? The barista had to have picked up a plastic or paper cup right in front of your face to write down your order. I don’t hate customers so much that I would torture them with a 160 degree beverage in a malleable plastic cup. Never, NEVER assume.

2. Size matters.

“What’s a medium?” Uh, you’ve already indicated what size you wanted. Even if I told you the actual name, you wouldn’t remember it anyway. Not only because of your goldfish-like wonder at every Starbucks you’ve ever been in, but also because you were that lazy to not look up at the giant menu boards and figure it out for yourself.
Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, Trenta. XSmall, Small, Medium, Large, XLarge. However you say it, I will understand. What I won’t understand is you constantly repeating every mundane detail of your drink WITHOUT telling me what size you want it in. For example;

Customer: “I’d like a black tea sweetened with strawberry.”
Barista: “Sure, what size would you like it?”
Customer: “Oh my name is Kathy.”
Barista: “Oh okay, but what size?”
Customer: “The black tea.”
Barista: “Yes the black tea with strawberry, but what size would you like it?”
Customer: “Yeah the iced one. And I want it sweetened.”
Barista (reaching over to the actual cups pointing out the sizes) “…… Yeah… um… a venti?”
Customer: “No I said small.”

NO YOU DIDN’T.

Seriously, please listen. I’m a person capable of conversation, I hope you are too.

3. Don’t try to tell me how to do my job.

As you saw in the simulated interaction between the barista and customer (not so simulated where I’ve never experienced it firsthand), a lot of the times customers will assume that we don’t know what they’re talking about.

Please. I get paid to do this. I think I know the drill by now. If you say black tea with strawberry, I know it’s iced because frankly hot black tea and strawberry sounds (and probably tastes) disgusting. So stop repeating that you want it cold. If you really do want it hot, I expect by now that you will say so since it’s such an odd drink to request in the first place.

There is a list of Starbucks standards that regulate how baristas call out drinks to each other. It’s designed so we say the least amount of things, minimizing confusion and chaos. Here are some examples:
– Skinny vanilla latte: Automatically comes with non-fat milk; it’s why we call it a skinny. So stop reconfirming that you want skim milk (and by the way non-fat milk and skim milk are the same thing, common sense people).
– Mocha frappuccino: Automatically gets whip cream so you don’t need to keep reminding me that you want it, even if I didn’t call it out. No I didn’t forget the ten times you’ve reiterated how much you want the fatty substance. I don’t have Alzheimer’s.
– Iced tea/tea-lemonade/coffee: Automatically comes sweetened with liquid sugar. Yes you can tell me you want it sweetened. But when I call it out to my co-worker with saying the actual word “sweetened,” they know what I mean so I don’t need your two-cent interruption “Um, I said sweetened…” Yeah… I know.

Sure, tell me all the specifications you’ve come up with in your wide and vast imagination. Your lack of understanding of what goes on behind the bar is by no means a justification to instruct me on how to do my job. Your comments are excessive and useless. Please stop.

4. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

Biggest pet peeve about the ordering process? Customers not knowing what they want by the time they reach the register. What were you doing the entire time you were waiting in line??
Oh wait, I know what you were doing: talking on your phone, talking to your friend, texting, instagraming, checking in, yelping, spacing out, staring at that girl’s boobs/guy’s tattoos, etc., etc., etc.

Classic example:
Barista: “Hi, what can I get for you?”
Customer: “Oh! Um… Hm… I don’t even know what to get!”
Barista: “…”
Customer: “Hm…”
Barista: “…”
Customer: “Maybe… No… Hm…”
Barista: “…”
Customer: “Um…”
Barista: “…”

Yeah. Every dot is a second wasted of my life that I will never get back. Be considerate. Don’t waste my time.

*You can argue that point number one could be blamed on the barista for not asking you if you would like it iced or hot. But really, it almost never happens. I’ve had customers argue “Well I said iced…” and the barista who rang them up will roll their eyes from across the floor, meaning they did ask and the customer absentmindedly agreed. Really LISTEN. Remember what I said about actually talking with the barista?

And if you really just can’t stick to any of these guidelines because they’re beneath you, over you, all up in your face and everywhere else in between, just remember this… we are people too. People who come to work every day with the hopes that they will leave the establishment with a happy heart and a solid mental state. At the end of the day, aren’t we all just looking for some peace amidst the chaos? I am a firm believer in the golden rule: treat others as you wish to be treated. To take it a step further, I’ve upgraded to the platinum rule: treat others BETTER than you wish to be treated.
What this means is really TALK to me. Be concise, articulate, and descriptive. I don’t care if you don’t know the lingo if you’re willing to be patient and have a conversation with me. Hey, I might actually be friendly and remember your name. You might even get some tips and a new favorite drink out of it.

Or just go to Coffee Bean. Whiners can’t be choosers.

2012
06/28
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The Register.

The register is in every possible service industry in society. People encounter it everyday from supermarkets to gas stations. Yet I don’t understand why some people just don’t understand register etiquette.

1. Do you see a pole?

Do not throw your money at me. Male customers love to do this. I think it reminds them of another establishment of addiction that they can’t stay away from. Well throwing your ten dollar bill is not going to get you extra whip cream, just saying.
Every time it happens, I feel like throwing the change back at them. Would you like to pick up a dollar and seven cents off the floor? Doesn’t seem so attractive now, does it? It’s not masculine or macho in any way. It’s annoying and degrading as a working woman in the service industry.
My hand will be outstretched and ready for your method of payment. You wouldn’t throw your daughter’s allowance money across the kitchen table so why do it in public to a college girl trying to work her way through school.
And just on a side note, I don’t appreciate cash or cards being thrust in my face either. The computer takes a while to catch up to the tender screen. Give me just a couple of seconds to take your money. Don’t worry, I won’t let you walk away without paying. That would destroy the whole purpose of me standing there in front of the register.

2.. Feeding your addiction, be it caffeine or sugar, is not considered charity.

If men throw money, women wait until the very last second to dig through their bags to get their wallets. The look of shock as I ask them to pay for their skinny vanilla lattes is always priceless. What, did you think Starbucks runs on the hopes and dreams of poor college students?
And there’s always an excuse..

Customer: Oh sorry, I just haven’t had my coffee today…

Really? Because I see your shopping bags so you must be familiar with the concept of money being exchanged for services and goods. Especially if you stood in the line for longer than a minute, you had the time to stand and wonder just exactly how you were going to pay for your drink.
Please ladies, you’re holding up my line and my own caffeine-hungry patience.

3. No, I don’t feel like playing 93-cent-pickup.

I understand that you want to give me exact change. Change is annoying to carry. It’s also annoying to pick it all up from the counter when you could’ve just handed it to me right then and there. If you need to count it out, go ahead. But why do I have to pick up all your dirty pennies one by one when I have a line out the door?
(And my fingernails are always short because of the nature of my job. I really hate digging into the counter when my open palm was out to begin with.)
Sometimes, I purposely move a little to the side so it seems like I don’t see the change sitting on the counter. Then the customers pick it up themselves thinking that I don’t know that they already “gave” me the money. It works about 75% of the time. As they pick up every coin they’ve already dropped, I can only hope they feel the same irritation I do and walk away with a lesson learned.

4. Samples.

Every once in a while, we’ll sample out some pastries and frappuccinos to entice you to spend the extra five dollars. What amazes me is when people ask me if these tiny handouts are free. Uh no? Please give me fifty cents for the dollop of caramel frappuccino laid out in front of you? Let me calculate what this little corner of a cranberry orange scone is going to cost you…
Look, everybody loves freebies. No need to hide or mask your greed with idiot questions like “are they free?” Especially if you’ve seen five other people grab at them with their own free will.

5. Move along.

Ladies, I know we carry our lives in our handbags. But the register is not the place to rearrange your wallet and find your phone and check if you remembered to bring your chapstick and… yeah. Throw your wallet in your bag and move along, there are customers waiting. The counter is not your personal vanity stand.
I really hate myself for hating this but old people are the worst. They act as though the whole world needs to slow down for them. I will patiently wait an extra 30 seconds for the elderly but do not glare at me when I ask the people behind you what they would like to order. We are an extremely high volume store and my superiors would like to keep it that way.
There are the special few who stare at me expecting me to pull a frappuccino from my big black magic hat. Well folks, the bar is down the way. Your drink will be where every other drink is being called out, the lobby, and we’ve gone over this already.

6. Speak up.

There is a lot of things that go on behind the counter at Starbucks. Frappuccino blenders are whirring, coffee and tea timers are going off, baristas are yelling out drinks… So whispering to me is not going to get you anywhere. If you’re really that timid and shy about speaking in public, I suggest you find a help group and resolve your problems there. Until then, you’re just holding up my line with your pip-squeak attempts.

7. Eyes up here.

In our technologically advanced society today, we are given the privilege to stay connected to our social group at all hours of the day. Heed the word “privilege.” I will rip that phone from your hands and stick it underneath the hot water tap if you haven’t decided on your order because facebook just sent you a notification.
Phone calls are not an exception. They are even a bigger nuisance. I don’t feel like fighting for your attention when you have chosen to take part in my service to you. If you need to take a call, take a step back and let the apparently less important people than you pay for their drinks. At the very least, put the person on hold, PUT THE PHONE DOWN, and give me your full attention. We don’t take phone orders so why would I want to wait while you ask your soccer team if they would like a drink as you are conveniently at the register at Starbucks. Tough luck they’re not getting a caramel frappuccino. It just wasn’t in their calorie karma to have that extra sugar today. Moving on.
I just want the customer focused so that I can get the drink order right. That way, you don’t have to cause a commotion when you pick up your drink and realize it’s not sugar-free vanilla in your latte. Nine times out of ten, you probably forgot to mention it. Once the cup is written, the wheels are in motion and it’s difficult to catch a mistake as the drink line is being pushed out. Best to get it right from the very beginning. Eye contact is key in relaying information, mine are up here.

The register is the first place you will be greeted by a barista. Whether you will be happily engaged in conversation because you have obliged to all the register rules or belittled into a retarded, under-developed lump of a human being is entirely up to you. I wasn’t always a Bitter Betty. I’m not always Pissy Polly. But I can be. The choice is yours.

2011
07/19
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Crazies: Incident #1

My customer service, to be fairly honest, is just about average. I can be nice, it just depends who you are. Most of the time I’m what my good friend and fellow blogger Haein Park deliciously calls “professionally mean.” I really don’t feel the need to enlighten your day when I’m having a tiring one myself. If I’m feeling it, sure, I’ll make small talk. But you came in for a reason, to pay for a drink. I am here for a reason, to make that drink. If you want undivided love and attention, I suggest you phone your grandmother. A college student with bills to pay will not be your best source of social interaction.

Every once in a while, I will lose it. It might be that I’ve been on bar for a particularly long period of time. Maybe I’m stuck working inefficiently with newbies. Maybe I didn’t like your face. Whatever the reason, my tone will drop and my temper will rise. I’m not proud of it but hey, I’m human.

But there are those rare and special occasions when a customer will just be fucking unbelievable. I like to label them as the “Crazies.” These people are so beyond rationale and common decency that you wonder how they were let out into society from the looney bin. Let’s take a closer look at them, shall we?

Incident #1: The Phantom Barista

One afternoon, my good friend and shift supervisor, Crystal Habon, texted me to ask what happened at the store the night before. I told her I closed with my assistant manger and things went pretty smoothly. Little did I know that I was about to receive a flaming pile of shit on my doorstep.
A lady had called the day after I worked to complain about her horrible experience at her Starbucks. She had wanted two venti mocha frappuccinos. The barista only gave her one grande. This is the conversation between the barista and herself, according to HER:

Lady: I ordered two ventis.
Barista: Um, okay. (throws frappuccino into blender and sloppily adds more milk and ice)
Lady: (unsatisfied with the service and attitude) Excuse me, whose your manager?
Barista: I’m the manager.

The lady proceeds to call to complain the next day saying it was a “short-haired Asian girl with glasses” who was the barista at the time.
I am a short-haired Asian girl with glasses. The ONLY short-haired Asian girl with glasses.

Seems like I fucked up right?

WRONG.
A. The lady said she came in at 1 p.m. I had just clocked in and didn’t start making drinks until around 7 p.m.
B. I would never remake a frappuccino that way. I’d rather start all over again than half-ass it and have the customer make me remake it yet another time,.
C . I am not a manger and I would never lie about it. Even if I tried, my coworkers would call me out on my bullshit right then and there.
D. My assistant manger was on the floor during that time. My assistant manager who has the ability to write me up and get me fired. I am especially going to be on my best behavior since my job is directly on the line.
E. Speaking of other people on the floor, NOBODY REMEMBERS THIS INCIDENT. It’s a small store and someone would’ve definitely heard this confrontation take place.

So who the fuck was this barista?!

She ended getting two vouchers for free drinks to ease her disgruntled psyche. What bothers me is why she singled my physical description out of all the others? Actually what bothers me more is why even make up such a horrible LIE?!
She obviously knew the system. She knew how drinks were made, what was protocol when they’re made wrong, and what can be done about it, also known as free beverage coupons. It disgusts me that someone would go that far to ruin a person’s reputation and integrity just for a fucking frappuccino. It’s $5 lady. If you’re that desperate for free shit, you should rethink your lifestyle rather than scamming off of a generous company.

Whoever this lady is, I hope she gets run over with a cement truck. And I hope it happens after she gets her free drink.

2011
07/07
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The Lobby.

Have you ever stood behind your teacher’s desk in grade school? It’s like a whole new way of seeing the classroom. Suddenly the room is that much bigger and there are a billion and one eyes staring at you. That’s kind of what it’s like being behind the bar at Starbucks.

1. Back your creepy ass up.

Stop staring at me. Especially when you’re hovering at where you think is an appropriate place to wait for your drink. You are way closer to me than you think. Plus I don’t appreciate being watched as I handle hot beverages on a slippery floor. Pressure, ya know?
And the little space between the espresso machines that provides a full view of your drink being made? Sure it looks entertaining, like watching the wheels of a clock work, but you’re really just being annoying  by providing your two cents every 30 seconds. I know you don’t want whip cream, this just isn’t your drink, so stop telling me how to do my job. You have no clue what goes on behind the bar, DON’T ASSUME. Let me do what I’m paid to do. If you think you can do better, I welcome you to submit an application.

2. Yes, you live on a planet you must share with other people.

I love the people who wait chin down on the bar reaching out for every drink I call out. Oh wait I don’t.
Yes, other people have ordered at the same place as you did. No, this one is not yours, nor is that one.
What part of getting your name on the cup did you not understand? LISTEN. It’s the only skill you need to thoroughly enjoy your Starbucks experience.
I make it a point to push out drinks to these “flies” (from the way they buzz and hover over a particularly dirty and shitty place to wait) that I know aren’t theirs. That way they will be continuously swatted away by the considerate patrons in the store who believe in world peace and human decency. The counter is merely there as a place for your drinks. There is a whole section of the store dedicated as a waiting area. In other words, shoo fly, don’t bother me.

3. The condiment bar is for condiment uses only.

Please do not fill up your empty containers with the milk reserved for creamer use for paying customers (key word: paying). We are also not obligated to provide free packets of raw sugar, equal, splenda, napkins, and straws. Those things cost money people! The more you take, the more the company has to compensate by raising the prices. Supply and demand, take an economics course and you’ll see the bigger picture. I’ve also caught punk ass kids putting liquid sugar in their free cups of water. That’s not only unhealthy but really disgusting.
I’m not judging your financial situation but really, if you’re having tough times with your money, stay home and don’t venture out into public. It’ll make you want to do bad things like piss off a barista.

4.  Sound carries, no matter how private or annoying, or both!

Contrary to idiot belief, there is no barrier between the air in the lobby and the air behind the bar. Sound travels through air. This means I can hear every menial and insignificant detail of your life that you think is only being heard by your “bff.” I don’t mind friends coming in to enjoy a nice beverage, heck I do it myself. But really, do not try to talk over or around the drink counter when you know I am trying to yell out drinks over your beastly voice. You are not entitled to the air. I am. I get paid to talk. You do not.

5. There are FOUR TRASH CANS.

It never amazes me how lazy human beings are in public. Just because a straw wrapper is light weight and can be scrunched into a little ball does not mean it does not belong in a trash can. Who taught you to throw your trash on any given surface that seems convenient to you? Let me know so I never send my kids to that preschool. Children understand the concept of the trash can. I hope you will reminisce right now and try to find those skills again.
At night, we’ll leave just the half-and-half carafe out because the other milks are rarely asked for. When the customers do ask, we provide them with a sample cup of whatever milk they would like. Why they think leaving the leftover creamer on the counter is acceptable is a mystery to me. I’m not pouring it back into the container and nobody else is going to want to use it; would you? Just throw it in the trash. We’ll survive without that teaspoon of whole milk.

6. You are not at home.

The hand-off counter is not your personal desk. Please do not spread out the entire contents of your purse while you wait for your drink. The counter is communal, meaning other people use it, namely ME.
I’m sorry that you have to carry your laptop, magazines, and pastry at the same time. Here’s a hint, get a bigger bag.
And if you must put down your items for a few minutes to get organized, don’t look at me like I’m the one invading your personal bubble. You are in MY bubble. I get paid to be here, remember?

7. Register the register.

This is probably my biggest pet peeve next to  “Is this my drink?” Please do not walk up to the counter and ask to pay for your newspaper or even order a drink because there is a long line. What, did you think you were the one genius who magically found a way to skip the wait? Sorry bud, I don’t have a hidden stash of money under my espresso machine so that you’ll get your latte three minutes faster than everybody else.
Not ever being in a Starbucks is not an excuse. Look at the store layout. Register in your mind where the register is. See everybody else waiting patiently? BINGO! That’s where you need to be!
I always thought this one scene in Miss Congeniality was really funny. The main character barges into a coffee shop, waving her FBI badge as she cuts in front of a huge line, saying it’s official business, and then proceeds to order 12 drinks and an assortment of pastries. That is, until I worked at Starbucks. NO ONE is entitled to cut. One lady thought she had the privilege to skip everybody else because she was a gold member. ANYONE and EVERYONE is and can be a gold member. Your name on a piece of plastic does not give you the right to be an asshole. I don’t care if Howard Schultz or Oprah Winfrey came in. Wait your turn children.
Be considerate. There are those who chose to wait. If you don’t want to, there’s the door.

I’m sure a lot of these things might’ve been oblivious before and I’ll forgive you for your despicable past. Now run along and heed my blog. I don’t ask twice nicely.

2011
07/04
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“Is it good?”

This one is dedicated to Mr. K, a very good friend and coworker of mine as it is much of a peeve of mine as it is his.

Barista: “What can I get for you today?”
Customer: “Hmm.. Is the caramel macchiato any good?”
Barista: “Well, do you like sweet drinks because it can get pretty sweet…”
Customer: “Hmm… Not really… What about an iced tea?”
Barista: “They come sweetened and with options like lemonade and strawberry…”
Customer: “Hmm… So it’s sweet?”
Barista: “It can be, it depends how you want it.”
Customer: “Hmm… Well…. Iced coffee?”
Barista: “That can be sweetened and/or with milk if you want…”
Customer: “Hmm… Are your smoothies good?”
Barista: “They’re pretty filling and fruity…”
Customer: “Hmm….”

FUCK.

This question falls along the lines of “What do you suggest/ What’s the most popular/ What do you prefer.” While again this may sound like a completely reasonable question to ask, really think about what you’re asking here.

1. I don’t know you.

I have personally perfected my preferred beverage over multiple trial-and-errors. And I only drink that particular one 50% of the time. Other times, I might feel like a frappuccino or ice coffee or whatever. So really, how am I supposed to know what you want when I barely know what I want to drink until I get to the counter? I don’t know if you like sweet drinks or really caffeinated drinks or iced or hot or blended or… really, the possibilities are endless. So stop assuming I’m psychic.
Apparently customers think the green apron gives some magical all-knowing powers to the wearer. Well here’s a new flash; it’s just a stupid apron. It’s not any better than the cheesy “Kiss the Cook” apron your uncle busts out every fourth of July weekend. I have no idea what your taste buds like and I’m not willing to spend ten minutes playing guess your favorite flavor.

2. I’m an employee.

Asking me this question is like going up to President Obama and asking if he likes the United States of America. Whether he likes the shit-hole of a mess he was elected into or not, he’s going to say yes. Like me, he is paid to represent who he works for and there will be times when lying is involved.
If the promotional beverage is a caramel macchiato, no matter if I can’t stand the amount of vanilla syrup and caramel sauce in it, I will tell you it’s good. I am told to promote it and saying otherwise would not be doing my job. We are told straight up to not say any particular drink is “bad,” no matter how we personally feel about it. We’re always supposed to spin the story around to up-sell the highlights of the beverage or at the very least suggest our own personal favorites. Most of the time, I will suggest a sugary, caffeinated, $6 and up drink because I want your money. Plain and simple. It’s capitalism baby.

3. Context clues.

If you remember the  “Is this my drink” post (because I know you all have read it… hehe), then you should already know where I’m going with this one: ask the right questions please. You know you better than anyone else. Like something sweet? Ask me to suggest something sweet? Like something with no caffeine? Say so!
I can rattle off MULTIPLE drink combinations. Being the able-minded consumer that you are, I am confident that you know what makes your tummy feel happy and what makes you gag till your esophagus scorches with stomach acid. So let me in on your deep, dark, and SPECIFIC desires.

All in all, if you dare to venture outside of your typical house coffee or plain black tea, just know that if you aren’t happy with your beverage, Starbucks policy is that we will keep making your drink until the customer satisfied. In order to reduce the number of tries and lower the barista’s blood pressure (namely mine), talk to the barista taking your order so that we can work together to create your perfect drink.

All I’m saying is get your money’s worth! Help me help you!

2011
06/20
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“Are you open/closed?”

I’m typically a closer at my store, meaning I clean all the gunk build up from the whole day and try to get the place look spanking new for the next morning. This is on top of my normal duties of satisfying all the customers’ coffee needs. You can see why I get frustrated easily.
Since I work a lot of nights, it’s no wonder I am constantly asked this question. I get it at least once a shift. Just today, I got asked four times. That is four times too many for my tolerance. Like the question before, this one also seems perfectly harmless. But beneath every tip, there is a gigantic iceberg of stupidity just underneath the surface. Granted, this one is appropriate for some situations but I’m not here to state the obvious right?

1. The door is open.

The door is open, we are open.
Okay so I stated the obvious. But apparently the obvious is not so obvious to the general population. You grasped the handle, now all you need to find out is if it gives way for you to pass or is bolted to stop you from entering. Teach a man to fish…

2. Speaking of the door…

Guarantee, there will be a sign of the store’s operational hours right next to the door. At least mine’s does. It kind of makes you wonder how human beings evolved if they are this incapable of figuring out things for themselves, especially if it’s in blazing print in front of their faces. Either if you don’t know how to read or you missed that day in elementary school when they taught about context clues and problem-solving, no excuses. The door was your first indicator.

3. I’m still here aren’t I?

As much as I appear to love my job, I also love other things in my life like my bed, TV, beer, all of which require me to leave the premises every now and again. There is no reason for me to be behind a Starbucks counter if I’m not being paid for it. I even greet all you people as you come in through the door. So why are you asking me if we’re still open?  No sweetheart, I decided to stay overnight with the doors unlocked and stand here in my disgusting apron just to mind-fuck all the customers who decide to order a frappuccino tonight. Cause I’m THAT dedicated to providing the third environment experience. [The third environment experience is a concept thought up by Corporate to entice you all to study/eat/sleep/chat/bathe/socialize  for as long as you possibly can in any of our artfully designed locations. It’s the third place away from home and work!]

Exceptions
*This question, as with any establishment, is acceptable in a phone conversation. But I do prefer customers asking a specific time we are open or closed. That way, I don’t have to deal with the idiocy face-to-face.
*If we are cleaning and putting things away, it could look like we are closed. But read the list. And have you learned nothing? DON’T ASSUME.
We clean and tidy up while we’re opened so we don’t spend a ridiculous amount of time doing it after we lock the doors. This is the art of pre-closing. It doesn’t mean we are incapable of serving food or making a drink. We still do the exact same things as we do in the morning just with fewer instruments and materials.
*Let’s say we forgot to lock the door and you made it in after hours. We will immediately tell you to leave. Not only is it illegal for people to stay in the store while we’re closed (it’s a liability, or something like that), it also distracts us from shutting down everything in the tiny time slot we are allotted.  So unless you are being asked, politely I presume, to exit the store, we are open.

The store exists to accommodate the customer. What good would a business be with locked doors? Most of the time, I (will try to) politely smile and say no and proceed to take their order. But I know there will be one day, that one customer who will have asked for the umpteenth time in my entire career as a barista, of which I will deliciously reply,
“Yes, we’re closed. Can I help the next customer?”

2011
06/01
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“Is this my drink?”

I HATE THIS QUESTION.

This usually happens right at the pick-up counter. I will call out the drink and name and seconds later, be hit immediately with this conundrum. While it looks harmless, do not be deceived with its simplicity. If you stop to really think about this question, it makes no sense whatsoever.

1. I’m not psychic.

Sadly, I don’t have this gift and I’m going to assume 99.9% of baristas share this unfortunate circumstance. I make and call the name that’s written on the cup. That’s all I get, one cup with scribbled markings on it. While I would love to have an individualized portrait of every one of you taped to your drink, it’s time-consuming and expensive so don’t bet on it happening.
Think about it. Look at my face, did I take your order or ring you up? Chances are, I didn’t. The Starbucks system is a well-constructed assembly line of baristas to maximize personal connections and decrease wait time. Register, expo, bar; three stations, three people. The bar person gets the shit end of this game of telephone. They are the last ones to handle the cup  and frankly there are a lot of things going on as the drink is being made. So many things that the bar person cannot look up and see the face that goes along with every personalized beverage.
So I don’t know what your name is or what you ordered. Don’t assume.

2. Can you read?

If you can’t, then you won’t be able to read my blog and well, I’ll make the exception for you. But for the rest of you who have been trained in the English language, we too have been put through the same process. It’s why we write in English on the cups. So you are just as capable of reading the name on the cup as we are. READ IT.

3. All human beings are capable of short-term and long-term memory.

Let’s say you can’t read the chicken-scratched name and the hieroglyphics that denote what the drink on the counter actually is. You have another tool. You can tell me your name is and most importantly, what you ordered.  My store makes 300-500 drinks on any given day. That’s 300-500 Peters, Kyles, Heathers, and Jamies. I go through multiple name-drink combinations. You have one name and one drink order. Do the math. Who has the better odds of remembering what you ordered?
And just a personal tip, at least remember the nature of your beverage. You don’t have to memorize all the modifications you’ve come up with or that we’ve asked you for your drink. But clearly if you ordered an iced coffee, that paper cup with the steaming liquid inside is not yours. Plastic=iced, paper=hot. Got it? Moving on.

4. Look around.

When there’s drinks being spewed out from the bar a mile a minute, it’s understandable that people will get confused with the array of beverages on the counter. But if there’s only one drink and no one else is around you? Well my lucky friend, it’s probably yours.

5. LISTEN.

Above all else, LISTEN. I cannot stress this enough. You ordered and paid for your beverage, so you should be expecting it in the near future. Put down the phone, stay near the counter, and LISTEN for the barista to call out your drink. As long as the name is on the cup, they will call it out. And they will always call out the actual drink (this is assuming of course that you remember what you ordered). A barista will never silently place a beverage on the bar and if they do, they’re probably psychic and sending you telepathic messages to come pick it up. Either way, LISTEN, to your brain or your ears, whatever comes first.

There are some exceptions to these guidelines…
*If you are a regular customer of mine, I will know your name and drink order even if I didn’t ring you up. However, most regulars know the routine already, some of them even know the cup markings. They read, memorize, look, and LISTEN. See a pattern?
*A typical Starbucks can get pretty busy. People make noise and that noise can interfere with your hearing skills and my voice volume. If you didn’t hear it the first time, that’s fine. But there are other ways to find out if the beverage on the counter is yours or not. Refer back to the list.
*On the rare occasion, when it is extremely slow, the same person could possibly ring you up and hand you your drink. Then the barista could possibly remember you and relate your face to the cup. Notice the use of the word “could.” Again, don’t assume. If you still think you have an argument with this one, reread from the beginning.

Bottom line, this question is just stupid. I wish it a violent death.

2011
05/25
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“Is this my drink?” – A Beginning

It all started with a question.

“Is this my drink?”

In the two years I’ve been a barista, I have heard this question consistently from customers of all shapes and sizes. At first it was nothing. Then it was funny, for about 2 seconds, and then it got annoying. Little did I know this question would fester in my brain until I would develop a hatred so strong that it causes an actual physical reaction. My shoulders tense up, my jaw drops, and my eyes shoot laser beams to the sucker who’s about to be treated like the scum of the earth. You can see how such passion would inspire me to write a blog.

There are many, MANY things wrong with this question but the bottom line is it lacks common sense. All forms of rationality and reason seem to be left at the door as people walk under the big green sign of the siren-mermaid. Maybe it’s the color. Maybe it’s the boobs. Whatever it is, it’s causing a growing mentality of “us vs. them” between the barista and the consumer. It’s not good for the customer and not good for my blood pressure.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not your average smiling barista-next-door. I have a temper, I get moody, and my humor’s as bitter as a dead shot of espresso. I’m learning to shut up and suck it up, but no matter how many samples of frappuccinos I sneak to sugar up my tone, there’s always that one person who can’t seem to get a clue.

So here are the clues. I’ll lay out some basic fundamentals to having a great experience at a coffee shop as well as some personal tips I’ve come up with over the years. Follow them at your own risk. The risk being that you might actually come to understand the person behind the counter and treat them as a human being as well as get a well-crafted beverage to quench your capitalist thirsts.

2011
05/25
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